Tony
by Don't Eat Dead Doves
Summary: Tony Stark! Magnificent Bastard! Asshole Extraordinaire! is (as we will soon learn) a petty little bitch when he wants to be. After an incident involving too much coffee, too little coffee, and a very, very detailed plan for revenge, the Avengers add a single sentence to a growing list. The cardinal rule that every new recruit learns is very simple: Never, ever, piss off Tony Stark


**I own nothing. **

**This was born due to my own obsessive love of coffee. **

**Do I regret this? Maybe.**

**Rated for languague and unhealthy amounts of caffeine.**

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If there was anything worse than a paranoid Stark, it was a hyper Stark.

They had called Pepper, but she was out of town and everyone's favorite coffee addict was taking his obsession to epic proportions.

They supposed supposed it made sense, considering everything they'd been through, that Tony would spend hours working.

At least thats what they told themselves, until Tony started wearing a thin foam shield around his skin. The Avengers gave a collective sigh.

They would have to talk.

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After Clint and Sam had successfully confiscated all of the weapons they had found around the lab they proceeded to give Tony an epic dressing down as he cried into his favorite coffee mug.

After their little 'cha't they decided that therapy would be a good way to deal with his paranoia and sent him, still crying, to SHEILD's resident psychiatrist.

The man had seen terrible things. Had withstood countless retellings of some SHEILD agents' darkest moments after battles or missions, had held their shoulders as they screamed about the innocents they had slaughtered, but nothing, _nothing_, could prepare him for the shit that went on in Tony Stark's head.

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The poor man ran away screaming after the first session.

Not that anyone could really blame him.

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Tony continued to drink his coffee and made media references Steve couldn't understand like nothing had happened.

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Tony on caffeine was like a toxic relationship.

He was jittery, full of nerves, had trouble holding in insults. He left his tools out on purpose so people would trip on them, he decorated Steve's room in the Avengers tower with Elsa wallpaper. _(He hadn't taken it down, he said he didn't know how, or maybe Captain America was just a fan of Elsa)_

Tony kept asking them to try the coffee, even though they were none too sure how healthy it was, as the man had put copious amounts of sugar into it.

Bruce had taken to drinking his coffee black.

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But perhaps the final straw was ruining Natasha's favorite set of custom made Gil Hibben knives.

The man was dead.

And no one dared stand in her way.

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Two days later Tony's coffee as no where to be found. Every time he put some in any of the multiple fridges in Stark Tower it was gone the next day, by some sort of mysterious force.

"Maybe it's a sign you should cut back on the coffee." Said Steve.

Tony didn't talk to him for a week.

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The inventor was getting desperate, he placed his precious coffee in a safe far below ground, guarded by lasers, steel traps, and twenty four alarms.

But poor, poor Tony had started a war against a highly trained assassin.

The very next day, the coffee was gone.

Tony's screams and sobs echoed though the entirety of Stark Tower.

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A few minutes later, the inventor dried his eyes and went to Starbucks, if he couldn't have his coffee fix at home, he could certainly have it somewhere else.

_(Natasha had persuaded (read: threatened) all the coffee shops in a fifty mile radius not to sell Tony coffee. This would be her undoing)_

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When he heard the screams Jarvis gave a long suffering mechanical sigh that really just sounded like some cool techno-music.

He was created to help the man, but this had gone on long enough.

The robotic butler resisted the urge to publish those online resumes he had created awhile back.

_(Hi, I'm a robotic butler, who is really an actually competent version of Siri, I have survived the epic meltdowns of Tony Stark (See: details for more information))_

That poor, poor AI with that sexy English accent, may the odds be ever in your favor.

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Clint sat in the corner going over a recent mission report. Steve and Thor were taking technology lessons with Bruce when they all heard Tony stomp into the room. The expression on his face could be only that of madman's.

"It has begun." Whispered Thor, no one said anything as he placed his hammer over his heart and wept silently. _(Although for whom, no one ever really knew)_

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From her corner of the room, Natasha hid a smirk in her hand. Had her plan really worked so well?

No Natasha, It did not.

Agent Smith was in the hospital due to extensive injury received after defending the Starbucks barista from Tony's wrath

. _(On the plus side, Smith had a new date. The barista had come to the hospital thank him (Smith) for saving him (the barista), and promised to later repay him with a cup of coffee. Smith declined the coffee (As the PTSD is a real thing) and the two decided that some iced tea would be a safer date. Tony heard the word coffee, and was reminded of the failed safe once again, and that private shipping companies had refused to fly coffee over seas.)_

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Tony rounded on Natasha with a smile.

"Natasha~"

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The battle was epic, it was awe inspiring, it was horrifying.

It was a battle of fists and iron suits.

It was a battle of guns and fury.

It was a battle that involved pints and pints of steaming hot coffee.

It was a battle that had Tony licking the floor in an effort to save his favorite drink.

It was a battle that urged Natasha to redye her hair in order to bleach the scent of caffeine from her skull.

It was a battle that had trained agents like Steve and Clint running for the door.

It was a battle that had Nick Fury taking a jet as fast as he could to Stark Tower, where the screams could be heard by passersby.

It was a battle that would go down in SHEILD history.

It was the battle that would make some people wonder where the fuck Fury had found these people.

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It was a battle Fast and Furious….

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…Need I go on?

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It would be the day the Avengers added one rule to a growing list.

The cardinal rule that every new recruit learns is very simple: Never, ever, piss off Tony Stark.

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_(Natasha Ramanova just wanted her knives)_

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After Fury berated the two with charges such as "_Disrespect to Superior Officers, Harm of SHEILD Agents, Lack of Conduct, and _Pettiness_," _the status quo was restored.

Tony went back to drinking an unholy amount of the black liquid. _(Only now agents were hired specifically to monitor his caffeine intake. It was a grueling job, for only the cream of the crop. Many Ex-coffee-watchers went on to take high status jobs at the CIA, FBI, and the NSA)_

Natasha went on to order a new pair of knives and made sure to sharpen them whenever Tony and his coffee were in her general vicinity.

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This wouldn't do wonders for his record, so Fury decided to burn file :004244238 an never speak of it again. Agents who had been present during the _'caffeinated war' _agreed.

Nick Fury then filled out an insane amount of paperwork, and fired several people for the sheer_ joy_ of it.

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No one complained.

_(They were all too afraid to)_

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